Square Pegs

Embrace your uniqueness because the world needs you. We need each other.

I am a square peg. It took me a really long time to realize that. Well, that’s not altogether true, so, let me rephrase that. It took me a really long time to embrace my square-ness. I’ve known it for, well, sense forever. I can’t remember a time in my life in which I haven’t felt at least a little bit different from those around me. And, suffice it to say, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fit this square peg into round holes just to be okay in the world. I mean, that’s what it’s all about right? Fitting in comfortably, avoiding as much conflict and disapproval as possible? At least that’s the message I got somewhere along the way and it was what my psyche craved—just go along to get along, just be okay. Like Mia in Princess Diaries I often felt invisible. A chameleon-like invisibility.

I remember once, in first grade (yes, I’m surprised I can remember back that far, but this was a significant event so…), my classmates and I were in P.E. class. My teacher had laid out a mat on the gym floor, divided the class— boys against the girls, and gave us instructions for an activity. As a group we were to walk across the mat, demonstrating how to walk correctly and the best performers would be the winners! For the life of me, I can’t remember the objective of that activity, but hey, it was first grade P.E. right?

At any rate, I just knew we girls would win! What’s to walking? We do it everyday—“let’s just walk across the mat,” I thought. You’d think it’d be that simple right, but, it wasn’t. You see, I didn’t express my thoughts out loud that day, but the popular girl did. She gathered all of us girls together and convinced us that we should walk across the mat, with our hands stiffly at our sides and legs outstretched like toy soldiers, in order to beat the boys. I knew that was wrong. It just didn’t make sense. But, I gave in to the peer pressure, against my better judgment, and with my female comrades marched stoically across the mat. I just knew we’d lost, especially after watching the boys simply glide across casually. Yep, we lost. I was so disappointed because I knew how to walk and I really wanted to win!

Obviously, what I wanted more was to fit in. It was how I functioned in the world. I didn’t want to make waves and I didn’t want to let the girls down, so, I went along. But, the problem was just that! I’d fit in alright! But my disappointment had caused me to question whether or not it had been worth it. What’s more is, even at such a young age, I felt shame wash over me for not having honored my inner self. I’d stuffed this square peg into a round hole and it hurt. It had cost me, yet it became a pattern in my life.

Thankfully, I’ve learned and am learning that being a square peg is a gift. It’s an indication of our uniqueness, our authenticity. Biblical faith tells us a few things about the value of our authentic selves. It tells us of the Imago Dei that we are all made in the image of God (Gen. 1:26,27). I mean really, to truly understand our value, we could just stop right here and meander around this concept a while. It would be more than enough to get the point across. But, I’ll proceed, because biblical faith also tells us, like God told Jeremiah (which is also applicable to each of us), that before God formed us in our mothers’ wombs God knew us and set us apart for that which we were designed. (Jer. 1:4,5). Our Divine Creator was intentional about making us special and unique, about gifting us with what we can offer the world, and about setting us apart for the purpose we could fulfill in our world. Our uniqueness is a gift and a treasure to be valued!

Yet, society has a way of pressuring us to fit in, to morph for the sake of belonging, often at the cost of denying or even betraying our true selves. I love how Parker Palmer expresses this in his book Let Your Life Speak

:

“We arrive in this world with birthright gifts—then we

spend the first half of our lives abandoning them or letting

others disabuse us of them. As young people, we are

surrounded by expectations that may have little to do with

who we really are, expectations held by people who are not

trying to discern our selfhood but to fit us into slots. In

families, schools, workplaces, and religious communities, we

are trained away from true self toward images of accept-

ability; under social pressures like racism and sexism our

original shape is deformed beyond recognition; and we

ourselves, driven by fear, too often betray true self to gain

the approval of others.” [p12]

Brené Brown’s work, particularly as shared in her books The Gifts of Imperfection and Braving the Wilderness couples with Palmer’s expression. Her research tells us that “fitting in” and “true belonging’ are not the same things. She shares that-

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who

you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand,

doesn’t require us to change who we are;

it requires us to be who we are.”

[The Gifts of Imperfection, p25]

She goes on to state that—

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and

belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most

authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a

part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.”

[Braving the Wilderness, p40]

One more...

"Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic,

imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be

greater than our level of self-acceptance."

[The Gifts of Imperfection, p26]

These are such important realizations. You see, betraying ourselves is not only a personal offense, but a corporate one as well. When we betray ourselves in order to fit in, we betray not only ourselves, but the communities to which we belong. Betraying ourselves is injurious to our souls, but, it can also be injurious to our world. How so? Because, the well-being of our society relies heavily upon the well being of ourselves and others. Injuring ourselves, injures others. There is tremendous societal value in our ability to be authentic and to make room for the authenticity of others.

In her work, Brown highlights, what I call, “the injury of polarization” in our society. Listen to what she states (Can you tell that I just love her work? It has radically enhanced my life, as has Parker Palmer's!):

“The world feels high lonesome and heartbroken to me

right now. We’ve sorted ourselves into factions based on

our politics and ideology. We’ve turned away from one

another and toward blame and rage. We’re lonely and

untethered. And scared… But rather than coming

together and sharing our experiences through song or story,

we’re screaming at one another from further and further

away.” [Braving the Wilderness, 45]

We have left no room for expressing, sincerely, the nuances of our existence. We have left no room for hearing the hodgepodge of our individual experiences. Thus, we have minimized the value of our collectiveness.

A lot of what we need is room to be be our best selves as we continue to figure out this thing called life. Being the best version of our authentic selves— the version that offers its uniqueness for the betterment of our world, the version that speaks justice and truth while displaying kindness and love , the version that finds new ways to unite in the face of differences, has the power to conjure up hope for a hurting and frightened world. Being the best version of our authentic selves makes for a better you and a better us.

Yes, I’m a square peg. Truth is, we’re all a little square. And, we all need each other to be the best versions of our true selves as we can possibly be.

Insecurity is a sneaky thing and authenticity is hard work. But, working towards it is so worth the effort. Without it, it’s quite possible that the world will miss out on a great deal of what we have to offer. I mean, maybe, just maybe, had I spoken up in P.E. class that day, the girls would have been victorious and I’d have learned a valuable lesson about true belonging in the process!

If you struggle with insecurity and authenticity, like I have for many years, don’t worry, it’s never too late to make a change. Change can start today! Trust me, if I can emerge from the shackles of insecurity, you can too! It’s time for us to be okay with who we are and what we’ve been endowed with.

So, from a woman who is, in this moment, emerging from insecurity and accepting her squareness, I want to challenge you to embrace your uniqueness and allow space for the uniqueness of others, because the world needs the best version of you and we all need each other.

It’s gonna take some courage, but, roll on square pegs, roll on!